Wow...That Is Dumb and You Are Stupid

I was in Las Vegas a few short weeks ago and came across some really stupid people. I mean, we all do dumb things from time to time and hell…some of us have brain farts now and again but that’s not who and what I am going to talk about today. I want to talk about a few groups of people who I think are just plain idiotic and annoying; not to mention stupid.

So, as I was in Vegas, to get from point A to point B, you can either pay a fortune in cab fares, use the tram (which only takes you to a select number of locations) or walk your ass down what seems like 100 miles of strip. I normally try to walk or use the tram as much as possible but sometimes I have to break down and hail a cab. Now, one day as I was walking from my hotel (Venetian) to Caesars Palace, I couldn’t help but notice all the people driving their cars down the strip. Some were probably vacationing and driving from one location to the next but others were locals that just want to drive their pimped out ride down the strip to get attention; I get it and I ain’t mad at ya for it.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for a pimped out ride. As a matter of fact, I had some sweet customized cars in my day and I had done a lot to these cars that people now-a-days do to theirs. You could probably call me a pioneer in the pimping of cars game. I had a custom paint job, rims, high performance tires, aftermarket parts in the engine to give me more giddy-up and a phenomenal sound system. You see when I see a car, whether it be American, German, Chinese, Japanese or whatever else, I totally get that fact that you want to “trick it out” and I still think it’s cool.

What I don’t get that is a huge trend these days is that retarded aftermarket muffler / exhaust tip everyone is putting on their car which will turn a quiet Honda into an obnoxious and ridiculously loud…fucking….oh, yeah it’s still a Honda. You see, I had a 1984 Ford Thunderbird with a 5.0 302 engine that was pulled out of a Shelby Mustang, rebuilt with a oversized cam, headers, 4 barrel carb and a bunch of other stuff I cannot remember and it was fucking LOUD! My exhaust when strait from the headers out with no catalytic converter or mufflers…just pure power and muscle. When I hit the gas it sounded like thunder and young women would cum in their pants from the vibration of my vehicle (okay I am pushing it a little aren’t I). These douche bags with their Hondas, Nissans and Toyota’s put these horrible mufflers on and it makes their car sound like a sick (sick meaning unhealthy) lawnmower. Seriously, am I missing something? Why do you want your car to sound like it is ready to feast on a large patch of grass?

Also when I had my car and ran my exhaust strait out from the headers…I gained horsepower, not just sound. These assholes probably lose horsepower with these shitty mufflers. It sounds like the exhaust is struggling to get out of the tailpipe all the time. I have farts that sound manlier than these fucking cars.

These cars are unbelievably loud as well; don’t get me started on the asshole kids down the street who come home at 3:00AM and drive down the street with their tricked out John Deer / Toyota. It also seems like everyone is putting one on; regardless of the car. I have seen buckets of shit cars with these garbage muffler / exhaust tips on. I was like…really? That is what you spend however much money on…you are officially…dumb.

The next day as I was walk down the glorious strip I couldn’t help but notice the people who constantly press that button on the side of the stop light to get the light to change. Do people really think that thing works? Honestly, do you think pressing that button fifteen hundred times is going to do shit to change that light? If you do believe that, please step away from the computer, walk over to a window, open it up and immediately jump out (helps if you are on at least the second floor). That little bix with the button on it isn’t connected to shit! If you remove that casing, you will see there are no wires or anything, just a box with a button to make you feel like you are doing something. I actually removed one in my hometown of Ottawa many moons ago to prove my dumbass friend he was indeed a dumbass.

Watching these button-pushers made me think of how many people actually do that on a daily basis. There are millions of people that will be pressing those crosswalk buttons today thinking it will change the length of time between red lights. That is a whole lot of stupid going on right now. I hope aliens aren’t real and don’t decide to attack us to conquer the world, because the crosswalk button proves without a shadow of a doubt, we are a stupid bunch of people.

Lastly, one night in Vegas I went to one of my favorite spots to get a drink and hang out; The Rum Jungle in Mandalay Bay. If you haven’t been there, it is a place where they service Brazilian style food, emphasis on steak and serve it to you on skewers. They have an unbelievable drink list which has over 50 types of rums. One drink you should be warned of is called the “painkiller” that one will put you on your ass in a hurry.

Anyway, I was talking to the Bartender and some clients of mine (yea I was there on business) when I decided I needed to go pee pee. I excused myself from the bar and headed to the restroom to drain my main vein. I step into the restroom and was happily greeted by the bathroom attendant. I smiled awkwardly and quickly bellied up to the urinal to do my business.

After few shakes of my dip-stick and quick zip of my fly (which I manage to forget to zip about 60% of my life) I walked over to the sink to wash my hands. (A quick side note: why the fuck do I have to wash my hands every time I finish peeing; I never pee on my hands.) Anyway after I wash my hands the bathroom attendant quickly rushes over to me and hands me a paper towel. I accept and thank him before he launches into his restroom sales pitch. This fucker is offering me cologne, lotion, mints and God knows what else. Dude…I just needed to take a piss…I don’t need anything else…relax. Are these animals on commission?

I exit the restroom and back to my clients and the outside world. After a while I started to think about that bathroom attendant. That guy has a horrible job…as a matter of fact; I might say it could be the worst job. Just imagine, he lives and works in the most exciting city in the country if not the world and is stuck in a fucking bathroom for at least eight hours a day. Not only is he stuck in the shitter all day, but he has to deal with people dropping bombs in the stalls, ripping ass all day, drunks puking and guys pissing all over everything. Yes ladies we do indeed piss on everything…it’s just in our nature.

The different and offensive smells this guy encounters every day is mind-blowing. So…I started feeling bad for this guy. After a while of thinking about how shitty this guy has it and how little money he is probably making I started thinking how fucking dumb this guy is. Seriously, who the fuck wants to be a bathroom attendant, and who fucking accepts the position when it is offered to you? No one wants to be that guy. Then I thought…Vegas is filled with opportunity and jobs, but this guy chose the one where he has to deal with assholes, dicks, shit, vomit and gas all day. You good sir are a moron and I do not pity you. Quit your job and work at McDonald’s…it’s ten times more prestigious. When a McDonald’s worker can garner more respect and stature things are pretty bleak!

Honestly, no one needs a bathroom attendant anyway. I have never been in a restroom and gotten irritated that I didn’t have a creepy stranger in there with me watching me do my business. Honestly, if you are a bathroom attendant, your creepy factor is through the roof!