I Got Big Balls...Really

I am completely annoyed and irritated.  This feeling of annoyance and irritation stems from a big problem I have…in between my legs.  Yep, I am going to be talking about my genitalia today; hope you’re ready for this.

So, I have gigantic balls to make a long story short and they are a hassle.  I mean, you may be thinking or saying “Come on Adam, how bad can having big balls be?”  Well, I will tell you.  First of all, it doesn’t make me braver than anyone else, it doesn’t make me some sort of superhero because my stones are bigger than the average man.  I do tend to speak my mind and say some ignorant or crude comments at the drop of a hat, but linking that to my testes would be purely speculation.

I have to be cautious when simply sitting down because sometimes, not every time, I will sit on a nut and some horrific pain will shoot through my groin area.  This is not some minor dull sensation; it is big boy make-you-tear-up pain that takes a long while to go away. 

Also, I am a very well groomed individual and I don’t want an overgrown mess “downstairs” if you know what I mean, so I take some pride in cleaning up if you will.  I take pride in my groomed sack and find a freshly shaved ball bag suitable for my situation.  The problem with this grooming is since they are obscenely large; it is hard to shave them properly. 

I have tried with razors like I use on my face and even the electric jobbers and I always end up nicking my junk which is very unpleasant.  The nick only hurts for a second…sort of like a bee sting, but the blood flow is outrageous.  Seriously, it shoots out of my pouch like a geyser!

I have seen commercials for Nair and product like that but I hear they burn the fuck out of you so…I don’t know if I am really ready for that.  I mean, I have accidentally gotten Icy-Hot on my balls and that…sucked!  I wasn’t able to wash them off enough…it just kept burning and burning…not pleasurable at all.  Is Nair going to be like that?  I don’t know, but I’m not risking it.

There is also the option of being waxed, but seriously, I am not going to some place to have someone rip pubic hair from my crotchal region.  Not gonna happen.

Regardless of the grooming issues, my everyday life with big balls is rough.  If I get a little overheated I am constantly battling the infamous “batwing.”  My nuts are constantly sticking to my leg, getting pushed toward my booty hole and always are in need of some sort of re-adjustment.  With a big set of balls like mine, it is fairly impossible to adjust discreetly…I am dealing with heavy equipment here.  My sack alone is a little more than a handful and my hand isn’t petite.

Another problem is that during sex, my partner must always be aware of the deadly ball bag attack.  If my wife and I are going for it doggy style, there is a change I could bruise her pelvic region something good!  When the pace is uptempo, it’s like a wrecking ball crashing into an occupied high-rise apartment building…mass destruction.  If we have a threesome and a woman wanted to lick my balls while I went to town, she just might lose a tooth or end up with a black eye.  I would hate to have to explain that one to the police.

So when women have ridiculously large breasts and bitch about back paint…they get reductions; I cannot do this.  You see, I have already gone under the knife once with my twig and berries and I am not willing do it again.  I had a vasectomy last year and although it wasn’t a horrible experience…there is only so much you can put your wedding tackle through.

I actually think the vasectomy is somewhat responsible for my sack stretching out as well.  When you get the “snip, snip” they remove a portion of your vas deferens.  The vas deferens is the tubes running from your scrotum to your cock which releases the goodness we call cum (scientific terms of course).  I believe that when the portion of the tubes were removed, I lost some of the strength maintain the tension in my balls.  Suddenly I feel they have stretched out a bit and I don’t like it; no sir, can’t say I am a fan. 

Also, growing up, I knew I had some big balls and purposely wore tight fitting underpants instead of boxers because I felt boxers would let my sack hang low and eventually stretch out.  I believe that should be the next installment of Myth Busters.  Next on Myth Busters; do boxers allow sack stretching?

So to all the women out there that complains about having periods or cramping, thinking you have it hard being female…try lugging these bad boys around for a day.  Some say you don’t know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes…try walking a mile with these bastards constantly getting in the way.